In important conversations, split your attention between words and body language. Practice by guessing strangers' emotional states in a coffee shop.
The idea
At the end of June 2025 I went on a six-day silent retreat, and found I'd built deeper connections with people I never spoke to than I have in hours-long conversations. Most people are terrible at expressing what they need. They'll say "I'm fine" when they're clearly not, and their body tells the truth: the pause before an answer, the way they shift, the breath before something difficult. You have to listen with your eyes as well as your ears.
How to do it
In your next important conversation, spend half your energy on their words and half on their body language.
Notice when they light up, shut down or seem uncomfortable.
Practice with the coffee shop test: pick someone across the room, watch for a few minutes (curious, not creepy), and guess their emotional state. You'll be wrong sometimes. The point is training your brain to notice.
Let an AI recorder take the notes so you can pay attention.
Example
On day four of the retreat I watched a man who was clearly hurting: hunched shoulders, picking at his food. I caught his eye across the hall and nodded, and his face softened.
Watch out for
Noticing is for showing up with care. Don't use it to manipulate people or push for details (see hidden-battle).
The Presence Advantage: Presence is scarce, so it stands out: phone away, let AI take notes, listen without preparing a reply, ask one more follow-up, let pauses sit.
Everyone Is Fighting a Hidden Battle: Watch for clues someone is struggling (energy shifts, avoided topics, repeated themes) and adjust how you show up, without fixing or prying.
Notes the Recorder Can't Take: Let AI keep the transcript, then spend two minutes on four questions: how you feel, when their energy shifted, your energy, what to remember.
Relatefulness: Name What's Real: Be fully present, say what's true for you in the moment, then stay with the other person's response instead of retreating into politeness.